Saturdays

Saturdays

Saturdays mean different things to different people.

Starting in August, it means a weekend of football to my husband.

To the Monday-Friday working crowd, it means sleeping in, catching up with friends, family, Netflix and enjoying the city they live in.

To parents, it means it’s just another day (according to the memes and stories they share on social media.)

To me, it means a chance to reflect and a day of renewal. I tend to reinvent myself on Saturday. I focus on learning something new or going someplace I’ve never been to.  It’s my favorite day because I get to sleep in and enjoy the evening knowing Sunday is my day as well.

As of late, I’ve been so focused on my physical health that my emotional and mental health have suffered.  If I don’t work out, I get down on myself and the negative talk creeps in. If I don’t get my 10,000 steps or I see a number not move (or worse, go up) on the scale, I fall apart and stop trying.

Thus, the low amount of blog posts.

I’m currently doing a long-term sub job for a maternity leave that was supposed to end in December but will resume in January due to another long-term job for another maternity leave.

For the past few years, I’ve been doing these sub jobs (which I love, by the way. A chance to just teach, focus on the kids and lesson plans without all the paper work is amazing and choosing my own schedule has been wonderful.  I have been offered full time teaching positions but have turned them down because I kept thinking I was going to be pregnant “any day now” and didn’t want to put a principal in a position to have to hire someone else after I leave because I became pregnant and planned to be a stay at home mom. It’s been four years of this thinking.)  It’s been rough on my mental health.   I feel like I keep putting myself on hold while other people are living my dream, or what I thought was my dream. While I do want children (though, not the five I originally planned as a youth), I do need to focus on myself and doing things I put off due to not having confidence in myself earlier in life. I passed up opportunities in my twenties because I didn’t think I could do it. I wasn’t brave or smart enough to pull it off. “It” being whatever the opportunity was that I really wanted to do or try. I was desperately afraid of failure, so I stayed with what I knew- routine, structure and stability.  While classmates set off to start new lives cross country, I settled into familiar surroundings.  And a gnawing feeling that I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

Enter- a new business opportunity.

I’ve always been captivated with interior design and organizing. My mom has me hooked on estate sales and antique stores, while Target’s bin and basket section is my happy place. Also, I am super excited for Chip and Joanna Gaines’ new line of home goods at Target.

I. Can’t. Wait.

Organizing calms me down and makes me content.  The way someone decorates their space and the distinctive styles of design throughout the decades fascinates me. I’m currently obsessed with the 70’s, thanks to The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Will & Grace was my favorite show, for multiple reasons. I loved the fact that Grace owned and operated Grace Adler Designs, along with her impressively decorated office and hilarious assistant, Karen. I loved Will’s apartment and could envision myself living there (not so much in New York City, though). And of course, Jack McFarland. He was (and is) one of my favorite TV characters. My senior year of high school, I took a class where I needed to create and design my own home. It came complete with a grand staircase and fountain in the entry way (it was located in Las Vegas.) It had a lanai (thanks Golden Girls) and pool, and a spectacular view of the mountains. I wanted to become an interior designer, but didn’t think I could make a living doing that, so I went to the job I wanted since elementary school- teacher. I loved decorating my classroom, so I still could fulfill my design desires while doing something I love- teaching kids to read, while listening to their entertaining stories and take on life.

My husband used to do construction before he became a nurse. He enjoyed the work and recently, has been more interested in doing construction management. He is good friends with an architect (whose wife is also an architect), so we decided to partner with them to create a construction company where we build and sell houses. When he first brought this up to me last year, I was excited at all the different possibilities it would bring. Something new to focus on, being our own boss and learning something new, with the possibility of bringing my desire for interior design to life.

So, Saturdays now means learning something new for a project that has a big “what-if” attached to it. As of today, we are still in the process of closing, so it’s not even a guarantee that the lot we want is truly ours yet. Something could go wrong or fall through in the next two weeks. I believe this is where my catastrophic thinking comes in handy. I’m always prepared for the worst-case scenario and things not going the way I planned them.  Predictability is nonexistent when starting a new business. You would think that this would make me stressed and fearful.

It’s the exact opposite.

With the help of my husband, therapist and age, I’m ready to see what happens next without trying to manipulate or worry about the outcome.  I’ve learned you must fall a few times to come out smarter, stronger and ready to start again. I’ve learned to take comfort in my mistakes, focusing on growth mindset and knowing that it’s okay to fail, as long as you try. Especially when it comes to something that you are passionate about.

I have confidence in my husband, our architect friends and the ability to try something new, something we really want to make happen for us and our family. I’ve missed too many opportunities to do something I really want to do because I didn’t have faith in myself. While this is a different situation (it’s a group effort), it still could have been a challenge for me and my doubtful way of thinking. When my husband first brought this idea up to me, I could have talked him out of it or list every possible thing that could go wrong. I could have told him to stay with what we are currently doing so I know what’s going to happen.

It’s just not the way life works, though. I’m moving past my childhood trauma and on to something bigger.  Something I deserve.

Happiness.

Saturday mornings on our deck include reading, writing and a huge cup of coffee (along with tomatoes from our garden and a dying mint plant.)

The future is not mine to control and I need to learn to live in the moment. Whatever happens, happens. Yet, I can be focused on what I do in the present day. So, for now, I’m returning my infertility books to the library and checking out interior design and “how to build a house” books. Our focus is shifting to growing a business, instead of a family. This doesn’t mean that we are giving up our dreams of children. I’m going to be a mom and Jim will be a dad.  I’m just not hyper focused on it now.  Due to some other issues, there is a strong possibility that we will need IVF to grow our family. Financially, we are not there yet. We needed to make the decision of either doing IVF now or putting money towards starting a business. To set our future selves (and kids) up for success, we decided to focus on the business currently. It was not an easy decision to make, but it was one we made together. There are days I struggle.  To be honest, it’s always in the back of my mind about having a baby. I think that feeling will never truly go away, especially after wanting something for so long and dealing with disappointment month after month.  I’m trying the whole “it will happen when you least expect it” route, especially when I hear success stories of couples who didn’t think they could get pregnant on their own actually get pregnant on their own, mainly because they were focused on other things. Medically speaking, miracles do happen. I constantly feel that I am coming in last place while people my own age have reached that stage and now have school age children.  Dreams of my children growing up with my friends and sister’s children are fading as each of them announce another pregnancy or are done having children altogether. I’m in mourning for those dreams, yet focusing on life as it is currently happening. Maybe putting my focus elsewhere will help in this area of our lives.

To quote a John Lennon song: “life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.”

Happy Saturday, friends.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *